And they all lived happ.... err, wait, no they didn't. Damn.
Found on the internet.I have credit for the author below, but sadly not a direct link to the original source material.
Once in jolly old England there was a poor farmer named Jack. Jack had one cow who didn't produce much milk but still, every morning Jack took her milk to the market and earned what money he could.
Jack grew tired of going to market and thought to himself "There are too many other milk sellers. Perhaps I should sell my cow".
The next morning, Jack set out for the market and on the way he met a toady looking fellow in a camel hair coat who smelled of fags and booze.
Jack, hypnotized by the creature's swiveling eyes, listened attentively about how the market was taking more from Jack than he was getting in return, and about how he should listen to the toad who should know because he works in the market.
Jack, who was not too bright, a bit naive and afraid of the outside world, ruminated over the toad's words and asked, "What am I to do?" The toad told Jack that the money that the market used was not really worth anything and that Jack could sell his cow to the toad for some magic beans.
"Magic beans?" asked Jack, slightly hesitant. "Not just any magic beans", quoth the toad. "These beans will grow into a giant beanstalk and provide access to Bongo Bongo Land, where slutty women always clean behind the fridge and gays cause rain. There is also a goose who lays golden eggs. I should know. I trade in metal. All you need to do is believe." Jack got excited by this prospect but he was still unable to make up his mind.
"Tell you what" said the toad, "Let's draw straws. If I choose the longest straw, let me have your cow. If you choose the longest straw, we will draw straws again".
"Okay" said Jack, not quite certain of what he was agreeing to. And so they did. The straws had no discernible difference in length but the toad spoke of a conspiracy by the media and the north London elites.
This made Jack angry, as he did not like being taken advantage of, so he agreed that the toad should take the cow and he, defiantly took the magic beans, determined to stick two fingers up at the out-of-touch establishment.
The toad slunk away with Jack's cow, wearing the disconcerting grin of one who couldn't believe he had just gotten away with it. Jack hurried home to plant his magic beans and boast to all of his neighbours of his superlative powers of reasoning.
His neighbours despaired of Jack and tried in vain to convince him that magic only exists in fairy tales and that he should make contingency plans. Jack, impervious to their advice, hurriedly planted his beans and waited eagerly for the spoils to start flowing in.
"Soon", he thought to himself, "the market will come to me, begging to trade and then I will call the shots. They need me more than I need them".
As the days went by, Jack was no longer able to pay the bills and his home and property were repossessed. Despite this, he clung to the toad's slimy words and became even more convinced of a traitorous, leftist plan to destroy his sovereignty.
The market, having never really noticed Jack in the first place, continued as it always had and set up a public order notice banning Jack from coming within 12 nautical miles of the trading floor.
(By Guardian commentor Hibernic)
https://profile.theguardian.com/user/id/13785585?page=1
Oh damn.
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