Review : Essex Dogs

And now for something completely different.

Historian Dan Jones' Essex Dogs was actually only on my Christmas list because of a mistake. I saw his accompanying documentary about Edward III's Crecy campaign (it's very good), briefly checked out the book online, and, since I've enjoyed every single one of his other books thus far, put it on the list without hesitation.

What I didn't realise was this was a novel. Oops ! But no matter, I don't read enough fiction, so here's a chance for something new.

Now you might remember from that I really like the insight Jones provides in his other books by looking for broad patterns and analogies, deftly letting the text speak for itself with a minimum of guidance to the reader. He may be a popular TV historian, but he's clearly done the academic side of things as well. His books are often page-turners but they're not short on analysis either.

This book is not much like his others.

This book is EXCITING.

This book has lots of GRAPHIC VIOLENCE and ANGRY MEN WHO SHOUT A LOT.

This book has TONNES OF FUCKING SWEARING !!!

As his characters roam around medieval France complaining about the heat and the stinking French bastards*, burning down churches and smashing skulls, it has all the depth and insight into the historical mindset as you'd expect to find from a football hooligan. And it's bloomin' great.

* Which French bastards, you ask ? All of them.

It has sexual innuendo galore, lots of blood, a plot that's so linear it could be the basis for a whole new geometry, and characters who are as predictable as anything from any cheap page-turning airport novel. Jones also has a blatant, totally unveiled and burning desire to infuse it with as many historical points of interest as he possibly can, which, like the fucking swearing, feels so fucking forced and fucking unnecessary that you can't help but fucking forgive the fucking cunt. 

Did I mention it's exciting ? It's VERY exciting. It's an action novel from start to finish. And it is, genuinely, an excellent page-turner. It might be as shallow as a puddle and have characters as zero-dimensional and predictable as the cast of Love Island, but bugger me if I didn't keep wanting to know what was going to happen next. 

I'm gonna give this one a solid 7/10. It's clearly not trying to be anything other than an action novel (one exception : the character of Edward III, who is given vastly more thoughtful dialogue than the rest), and while it's nothing extraordinary in that regard, it does exactly what it needs to do. Judging it on its own terms, its only real weakness is the descriptive imagery, which varies from "poor" to "totally absent". Like the Essex Dogs themselves, it might not be pretty and it certainly isn't cultured, but it gets the job done.

Good Job, Dan. I have no idea why this is the first in a trilogy but good job all the same. Just don't stop writing the regular history books, please.